Ex-Kiwi cricketer O'Brien admits to suffering from depression

Former New Zealand cricketer Iain O'Brien has admitted that he is suffering from depression.

From the age of 20, O'Brien has battled with secret demons that have threatened time and again to not only derail his career but also his life.

But after constantly hearing other high-profile athletes - including cricketers he respects - tell their stories, he's finally ready to lift the covers on his own.

According to stuff.co.nz, the mental illness first reared its ugly head in 1996 when the future New Zealand seamer was studying at university away from home in Palmerston North.

He felt overwhelmed; it was almost as if the world was against him. But worse, he couldn't understand why he felt so low. And it wasn't as if he had anything to be sad about anyway.

But one day while sitting in a university classroom during graded student presentations, a slide flashed up on the overhead projector and O'Brien finally had his eureka moment.

"One of the slides was on depression. It had a whole list of symptoms the illness can cause and I started looking at it and going - 'I tick that box, I tick that one, I tick that one, I tick that one!'

"It pretty much gave me a clearer picture about why I was feeling sh-all the time."

In a stuffy lecture theatre, O'Brien finally had a label for what was going on in his head.

But rather than do something about it, he simply couldn't bring himself to act.

And so he battled on, putting on a brave face and acting the clown while feeling like dirt inside. Lying, he says, to himself and everyone he came into contact with by pretending to be the larrikin he wasn't.

He dreaded social situations but kept that quiet too.

Then there were the famous John Kirwan ads about depression. He saw them, knew the illness no longer had a stigma attached to it but still did nothing.

And when his former team-mate Lou Vincent spilled the beans in early 2008 on his own battles with the so-called "Black Dog",

O'Brien continued to resist taking what he knew was the right course of action.

But finally, the message hit home earlier this year after the 35-year-old, who now lives in the United Kingdom, tuned in to a BBC radio show hosted by former England captain Michael Vaughan in which the topic of depression in cricket was aired in a warts and all manner.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. O'Brien, after hearing the stories of former England stars Marcus Trescothick and Matthew Hoggard - stories he could relate to - decided enough was enough and two weeks ago finally reached out for help.

"Listening to that show was when I realised that it was probably time to go and get it sorted," he says.

"How have I got through to now without doing anything about it? It's different for everyone.

"But I think I bullied myself into doing things and trying to live 'normally'."

O'Brien insists the low times come and go.

Earlier this year during the gloomy British winter things got real bad. But he made it through.

O'Brien says that he doesn't want to be a poster child for depression. He doesn't want to be a martyr, a role model.

He suggests the cricket's popularity in the news pages has something to do with players getting into a state of depression.

"I'm serious here because the sport does kick your arse very quickly. You can have a great day and then be a nobody the next.If you went around the dressing room, you could pick someone who was suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you could pick someone with Asberger's Syndrome and then there's those affected by depression," he says.

O'Brien is set to fly home to Wellington this summer for what he expects will be his final tilt at a return to the New Zealand team.

It's early days as he begins to come to terms with his mental illness and he knows the road ahead won't be easy.